I was saved at a Baptist church at the age of 14 back in 2010. I was living through a tumultuous home life, dealing with my mother’s passing the year before; plus the new family dynamic with my future stepmother. Least to say, the church offered comfort. It didn’t seem to matter what church I went to, the environment was welcoming. Christians wanted to invest in a stubborn knuckle-head, regardless of my social inadequacies. Yes, I had many. I wasn’t allowed to go out much, so the socialization was limited from school to church-not much room for social engineering. Yet, through the love the church displayed, I was able to come into fruition- the individual God wanted me to become. Work is still needed to be done, but alas God’s love provided a divine confidence. Unfortunately, I was naïve to the flaws within the church community. Throughout high school, I met many students AND adults expressing how they believed in Christianity, but didn’t attend church. To many, the church didn’t live up to the teachings the bible taught. Most of my responses were obtuse. I was just perplexed. Why would people say that? The church was the most loving environment I’d been a part of up to that point in life. Six years later, God unmasked the corruption I was oblivious too. In order for me to comprehend and empathize, God had to put me through the gauntlet. Disheartening as it may be, this story has to be told.
I arrived in San Antonio six years ago no thanks to the federal government. For the first five months, there wasn’t much time to search for a new church home. I was occupied with training for a job that was gonna serve my purpose out of a long contract. I did the best I could given the circumstance. There was just only so much you could do with unorganized worship and fellowship that eventually, I had to start settling into my new life. And that was my goal for the next year- hopping from one church to another. One church was more interested in guilt tripping the congregation into giving money for a construction project, while another seemed to be stagnant in spirit. It was a revelation on the difficulty of finding a church home. Granted, at the age of 20/21, I was more focused on the nuances of scripture, so perhaps my judgment with some were unwarranted. Out of all, one church garnered my attention.
On the way to visiting lifelong friends in Cibolo, there was a church closer to the airport. I took photos while driving (don’t recommend) in order to remember the name when conducting research. They had two groups which I fell into place. One group happened to be a college group with people my age, but they had a young adults group that was centered towards those working full time. I tried the young adult first with an older friend from work. It was okay, but we didn’t really interact with the members. Neither did it seem like they were interested. However, I liked the theology being presented during the Sunday School session. Least to say, my first impression had more positives than negatives and enough to listen to the main pastor the following Sunday.
Contrary to the classroom the previous Sunday, the sanctuary was BIG. Up to that point in life, I had never been to a church which had two stories for seating. The amount of people was overwhelming for sure, but was willing to be open minded. Occasionally, I’d muster up to introduce myself to the person sitting next to me and there’d be small talk throughout the service. As time passed by, the efforts seemed to be in vain. Nobody really seemed to take interest in developing relationships like years before. I tried to be intentional, but frustrations mounted at the lack of effort from the other end, forcing myself to exile for a season. It would be a few months before stepping foot in the church again.
There was some church hopping during that span, but like the psychology of being in an abusive relationship, my subconscious led back to the church by the twilight of spring of 2018.
The last Monday night before everyone went off for the summer, I tried the college group. Yes I was a little older, but still could pass for a college student! I only spoke to one person and his girlfriend. Frankly, I was impressed by his Jewish afro! To this day, he is one of the few true friendships I’ve developed since returning to Texas. For that, praise God! I felt peace going home that night, filled with hope. I had been longing for a connection with anybody and a small prayer was answered. Who wouldn’t come back when it started back up during the fall? And that I did. My hot streak continued as two more people introduced themselves. They too, also stuck around since our first interaction. I tried to become more involved by participating in small groups. I added people on Facebook, Instagram, you name it. I wanted to be part of the church!
The streak only lasted one month. The three mentioned were anomalies. The events that took place several months later revealed some disturbing realities. And it’s not to say there weren't more anomalies (two/three more perhaps), because there were. However, the balance scale overwhelmingly tipped in one direction to the point of my mental health became a serious concern. Every Sunday sermon, I walked out feeling more alone and hopeless than I did upon entering. I almost wanted to give up church all together like the rest of my peers did during my infancy days with Christ. When I told small groups and a pastor I was leaving to do a tour in Afghanistan, nobody batted an eye. This was the same church whenever someone left for a mission trip to a First World environment, they’d bring attention of the whole class/congregation for prayer. Sometimes they’d have the individuals speak of the trip before and after. I never felt people could care less if I lived or died until then. Not a single soul offered prayer. Retrospectively, I should have seen this coming; the winter before, the church swept a suicide from a teenager (one of their own) under the rug.
None of them ever checked up on me. At times, some said they missed me despite being absent the other six days of the week. Better yet, ghosting after the five minutes of interaction. People judgmentally stared whenever I sat alone (excluding the anomalies). It was super awkward!
Layers of brick were being built around my heart as the weeks passed by. Regretability, some were a recipient of my hardened heart as I kept my distance, closing the door shut to creating new relationships. What would you do though? I never felt ostracized due to my personality. Aren’t we supposed to celebrate everyone’s unique personalities-from the most talkative to the mouses of the room? At least that was the Christianity presented to me in my early years of Christhood. Keep in mind, this is all BEFORE I left for the Middle East in the summer of 2019! Let’s fast forward to last time I saw the pastor before deployment.
He was in charge of running the young adults class for Sunday morning. And this particular Sunday I went out of my way to seek a favor. I expressed there was a birthday gift that wanted to be given while I was gone. A friend was on a trip for the summer, but when she returned, I was gonna be on the other side of the world (no physical way to hand her the gift). After asking multiple times if he could handle the task, he repeatedly affirmed the responsibility. It’d be several months before crossing that bridge again, but this lifted necessary weight off my shoulders. There were a lot of moving parts before deployment and the leaving her gift in good hands was one less thing to worry about. Besides, out of all the people to trust, a pastor should be the easiest choice right? We were no strangers to each other either! We had met for lunch and breakfast before. Nothing foretold me this was a mistake!
The time had come when my friend returned home from her long trip. I informed the pastor of her return, and in response he assured me whenever they saw each other again, she’d get it. I practiced patience for a couple weeks, before noticing nothing was brought up from her end of the subject. Revisiting the conversation, I explained to him it was imperative and her birthday was long overdue. We’d have this conversation every other week until one, he decided to give the gift to someone else without my consent. Secondly, lectured how it was not his responsibility nor problem to ensure the present was given. Oh and I became the disrespectful one according to his lecture. What a knife stab. I wanted to move on with our lives! I gave him compromise ideas to satisfy both parties in an attempt to accommodate his busy life- yet I became the disrespectful one..
Speaking of my time in the Middle East, I took part of a small group during the summer before I left. There was a younger individual who stated some words of distress (based on my experience anyway) in a group chat. The words were followed up with actions, leaving the chat altogether. I didn’t know him well, however I wanted to seek him out, ensure, and understand what was taking place. There wasn’t much said from either side, but I ended with reassuring him to he could talk to me whenever he needed to. He didn’t respond for a few days, so I jokingly said, “gotta give me something man.” Jokingly, but still concerned due to my experience with mental health among myself and others-just an acknowledgement is all I wanted. If I’d show you the conversation, there wasn’t anything to suggest I was pushing boundaries. Turned out, I was wrong from his perspective. There was a lengthy message how I wasn’t entitled for him to talk to me at all. I questioned myself if I missed something. You’d think I murdered his mother! Despite the hasty remark, I dismissed the message and left him alone. Life went on.
He reached out a few weeks later to talk to me about several posts on facebook what “concerned” him. I explained the logic behind each of the post he mentioned and we seemed to reach a mutual understanding. I also took the time to apologize for any misunderstanding. I wanted to provide clarity behind my message that triggered him to lash out. It was worth the try, but no cigar. He dug his heels, and proceeded to give me another lecture on entitlement. As it would turn out, he’d gossip of the situation, spreading a false narrative about my character. I NEVER brought it up until it was brought to my attention roughly a year later. And in it that conversation, I was angered people used that to create their presumptions about me upon return. Over a text conversation taken out of context.
The situation didn’t get better upon return. When George Floyd became a victim of excessive force, the church preached strongly how we needed to show support for his family. Responding to what had been transpiring, I was convicted to bring solutions. The church had participated in social justice marches, but I wasn’t one to protest. I did however have a passion for government and much knowledge to the criminal justice system. I posted an invitation on the young adult group page of the church, to have a discussion about the legal flaws within our criminal justice system. This was a great opportunity to learn more perspectives and meet new people. Plus a different kind of ministry. I’d say it was only up for perhaps 10 minutes max, before it was taken down. My mind searched for answers, until the young adult pastor, my best friend, messaged me explaining what I posted didn’t fit into their categories of ministry, prayer, and fellowship. I rubbed my eyes, as I saw the day before someone asked people in the community page for a roommate. Somehow, I was signaled out? That was the last conversation we had. He tried to act like nothing happened whenever he came across my direction in person, but I had no interest in conversing with him anymore.
Life in the church didn’t get better. Some of the anolmolies did their best to make up for a shitty situation, but it was never enough to balance the scale again. There was a “friend” whom I’ve had deep conversations with, blatantly disregarded my calls to meet up. I left him some text messages and couple phone calls to reach out. Least to say, he had time to get in touch with everyone else to meet up. Legend was he didn’t have room to invite everyone. Interestingly enough, someone turned down his “last minute” invitation to hang out. The event alone isn't’ what bothered me, it was just a buildup similar scenarios that made me sensitive. The straw that broke the camel’s back was the conversation I had a couple weeks after. There, I learned the fears over gossip, judgment, and hypocrisy were true- acting as if I wasn’t already aware of my shortcomings. Finally, I learned they were never gonna accept me. Not like they were trying to hide it either. It was easier to talk about me, than it was to put aside presumptions to get to know me.
My story is one of millions across the country. Not exact, but similar. And there were more incidents, but my intention is to put a spotlight to an underlying predicament. Christians debate why church attendance has decreased along with the increase of non-religious affiliates. And when I was a baby Christian, I too joined in on the subject. The answer? We eat our own. There’s many Christains that believe in the gospel. Yet, the landscape has become too toxic-who could blame them? Not many understand how close I was to giving up on fellowship. God, through scripture showed me a true church doesn’t behave in that manner. A Christian community doesn’t make you feel guilty for being intentional. A Christian community doesn't judge your individual quirks or passed sins. A Christian community doesn’t gaslight you to avoid accountability. A Christian community doesn’t hesitate to love on you.
As of today, I found my church home that lives up to those standards. I have not felt so much encouragement from a community since I left Florida in 2015. It took some church hopping, but thanks to one of my anomalies, the search didn’t take as long. For the first time in years, I look forward to fellowship with other believers. That’s how it should be right? But I couldn’t let that experience ruin God’s perspective of his bride. Life goes on, and I’ve forgiven those who’ve hurt me to turn the page.
To those who’ve given up, I understand. I am so sorry you dealt with that. There are still good church groups out there; I pray God gives you the spirit of perseverance. To the ones who’re in that toxic relationship with the church, it is okay to leave. And when you leave, it’s also okay be away from a community for awhile and allow God to heal. When love is no longer being served at the table, it is time to leave. God bless.